Christians of Color - I’m Talking to You!
the heart of the matter
For those of us born into Christian (including Catholic) faith, Easter is the most holy day of the year. I’m reflecting on the ways Christians have interpreted the Bible for good and bad as justification for parenting practices. This will be the most Jesus and scripture-heavy blog this year. If that’s not your thing, skip to the end and I’ll return to secular stuff next week.
From Latinx Catholics and Evangelicals, to Korean Christians, to the Black church tradition across the south, many American folks of color hold Christianity as a foundation for faith and culture. I’m an agnostic, semi-practicing, Catholic. Before quarantine, we were active members of our church. I sought community, a moral compass, and keeping peace with my mother-in-law.
Many of us POC parents were raised in strict environments where punishment was swift. The culture of our church may have supported this. I think of Kevin Costner’s eulogy to Whitney Houston in which he tells childhood anecdotes of mild misbehavior in church, and his father spanking him in public (stories on video at 3:36).
Why these stories? They had nothing to do with Whitney. Costner told these stories as fond memories, as a way of connecting with the Baptist church crowd. As a white speaker at a nearly all Black funeral service, these stories make him relatable. He’s rewarded with the laughter, and applause - he’s one of us! I don’t write this to be holier than thou, Kevin.
I have frequently laughed and bonded with my Latinx and Filipino friends about our mothers’ proficiency with the chancla and tsinela.
Yet I’m unsettled by the way that church and religion are associated with the silence of children, and a quick rebuke of childlike behavior. We laugh because it’s familiar.
Do we laugh because we believe it’s right?
Christian proponents of strict parenting often paraphrase Proverbs 13:24, as “Spare the rod, spoil the child.” Similarly, Proverbs 22:15 reads, "Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far away." These verses are presented as evidence that corporal punishment is a necessary tool in child-rearing.
But The Bible is a text full of contradictions. How does one navigate the divergent teachings and interpretations? Christians must find their most profound inspirations from the words and actions of Jesus.
From this perspective, it’s hard to see a Biblical directive for harsh parenting. The most obvious example is in Mark 10:13-16 when parents brought their children to Jesus to be blessed. His disciples tried to send the children away, but Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these." We can interpret this passage as a repudiation of undervaluing children. In the sacred space of blessing, a form of church, Jesus centers children - not with restrictions, or behavior requirements, but just as they are.
One of the most powerful New Testament stories is of the woman caught in adultery (John 8:1-11). Religious leaders want to stone her for her sin. Jesus responded, "Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her." We usually cite this passage as a reminder of our universal imperfection and penchant for sin. Why don’t we apply this thinking to child rearing? Isn’t it more powerful and resonant than “Spare the rod…”?
We seek punishment for our children because we want to hold boundaries, to make sure they know right and wrong, often so they can’t manipulate us. Here’s a reframe. Kids usually misbehave because they lack the skills of restraint, flexibility, frustration tolerance, and problem solving.
“Hold up,” you say. “I told my kid he couldn’t have candy, and an hour later I caught him sneaking candy.
He knew what he was doing!” Right.
So you’ve never promised yourself that you would exercise every day only to lapse on day three?
Remember the stones.
There are much better ways to support the behaviors we want. We can turn again to Biblical verse. In Matthew 7:24-27 Jesus teaches about building a house on a solid foundation. He says that those who hear his words and put them into practice are like the wise man who built his house on a rock, while those who hear his words but do not put them into practice are like the foolish man who built his house on sand.
The other day, my kid had a tantrum, and I screamed at him for having a tantrum. It totally fixed the problem. Kidding. This is the opposite of positive parenting. I scream because I had to repress my anger as a kid, and now I get triggered when I see my son’s anger. My screaming is a house on sand. I’m not building my son’s ability to handle big emotions. I’m demonstrating that I can’t handle mine either. Instead, I can teach. I can be transparent about my struggles with anger. We can develop alternative tools; like squeezing each other as hard as we can (my fave), doing the lion’s breath from the yoga tradition, punching pillows. To teach, I have to stay calm. It’s the hard work of building my house on rock.
The word discipline and disciple come from the same Latin root discipulus, meaning student. The meaning of discipline as punishment is a recent invention; an unfortunate devolution from the original form which focused on teaching children about rules, norms, culture, and expectations.
I want to be clear - I do not support or teach loosey-goosey, free-for-all parenting in my parenting classes. Kids need structure, clear expectations, and boundaries. I’m saying that our most effective ways of raising happy, grounded, and respectful children align with the examples of Jesus.
For Christians, Jesus was the ultimate teacher. As parents we do our best work when we teach, when we model grace, patience, and love.
Perhaps this approach puts us in touch with the divine. Happy Easter.
we’re obsessed with
Summer!
Wait, what are you talking about? It just turned spring and feels like December. Yet now is the time to start making those summer plans; the road trips, the kid camps and “Camp Grandma” stuck together with duct tape to barely cover those endless weeks with no school. Here are some of my summer recommendations. Please send me yours, and in our next newsletter, I’ll publish more!
Camps
Camp It Up!
Finally a queer family camp! Actually Camp It Up! isn’t new. But I’m excited that it exists and we are planning to go this summer. One of the things that brings me joy is the idea of trans and non-binary folks feeling at ease in the company of others in the pool and river. Northern California
Sama Sama
A few of the folks I’ve worked with this year send their kids to Sama Sama! in the summer for a cooperative day camp experience grounded in Filipino culture. Learn Tagalog, indigenous music, and play outdoors. Age 5-11. East Bay, CA
Books
I Have Some Questions For You by Rebecca Makkai is the best fiction book I’ve read, okay listened to, in at least three years. It’s a murder mystery, but that’s just a framework to explore issues of race, class, and feminism in the post #metoo era.
Rage by Bob Woodward explores how the dysfunction of the Trump administration through his presidency led to ineptitude at the outset of the pandemic. It’s horrifying, but also it feels like Woodward is spillin’ hot tea, and I’m here to drink it up!
Road Trip
When we couldn’t fly in 2020, we discovered The Lodge at Blue Lakes Lodge about 2.5 hours north of San Francisco.
The exterior looks like the Schitt’s Creek Motel. It’s pretty basic accommodation, but the real gem is the lake itself - a small hourglass shaped body of water that is clear, blue, and the perfect temperature for swimming.
The only boats allowed are electric boats that max out at 5 mph (and are easy for kids to drive once you are around the bend from the rental place). There is great kayaking, fishing, and rope swings.
Your kids will make friends with other kids there. It’s the American family lake vacation in chapter books that I used to dream about from the dreariness at home on the beaches of O’ahu.
Your turn.
where we’ve been
The Village Well Workshop at 2023 Support for Families with Disabilities Information and Resource Conference (IRC)
Staying Calm When Your Kid Is Not San Francisco, CA Saturday, March 18th
"Interactive and topic was to the point. Good feedback and organized." - Joyce N.
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Ed Center, the founder of The Village Well, is a parenting coach and educator certified in the Triple P method. The Village Well is a community of parents in BIPOC families, focused on attaining more joy, calm, and meaning in family life. We coach parents to prioritize their own healing and wellness, deepen connections with their kids, and learn tools to support better behavior. Services include Parenting workshops, Parenting courses, and community events. Our support is culturally-grounded support and honors your unique family. Ready to stop yelling? Schedule a free consultation with one of our team members.
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