Serve and Return
the heart of the matter
We been grindin’ y’all. Over the past couple weeks we’ve had quite an output, including:
Presenting at the Support for Families of Kids with Disabilities Conference in San Francisco
Launching our six week semi-private coaching series for parents of toddlers
Submitting some big-ass proposals to work with schools and government orgs
So for the next couple days, we are taking a deep breath, taking on that scary number of unread emails in our inboxes, and getting back to exercise and being present for the family. This is a reminder that sprints are great if they are followed with rest.
For content, I’m pulling a lesson from the course we did with Generation Thrive last fall. This tool really resonated with the participants - I hope it does with you as well.
Today, you’ll learn a powerful tool called Serve and Return.
We’ve covered that human beings are driven by the desire for belonging and significance. Many kid behaviors are based on these desires.
Examples of belonging signals
Your child takes your hand walking down the street
Whining
“Uncle, look at this funny video on YouTube”
“Mommy, my tummy hurts”
Barging in on you in the bathroom.
Examples of significance signals
“Can I make boxed mac n cheese for dinner for me and my brother?”
“I want to walk to my friend’s house by myself.”
“Grandma, how about we have a race?”
“Please don’t chaperone the dance next week.”
Using a tennis metaphor, we call these requests or signals serves. The child is hoping that you will return the serve, with an action or comment that validates their need. Here are examples of positive returns for the serve examples we gave.
I have frequently laughed and bonded with my Latinx and Filipino friends about our mothers’ proficiency with the chancla and tsinela.
You don’t always have to drop everything to fill your kids’ buckets. It’s okay to hold a boundary. If you do this with compassion, you are sending the message that they belong and matter, and that this attention will be delayed, not denied. This is very different from snapping “Can’t you see I’m busy right now?” or refusing to look up from your phone.
How do you know if your kid is seeking belonging or significance from you?
Pay attention to your own emotional reaction.
If your kid’s behavior annoys you, it’s likely that they are seeking belonging. We are most often annoyed when our kids use tactics for belonging that are inconvenient for us. For example, whining behavior is usually a signal that your kid needs their belonging bucket filled.
If you feel angry or threatened, it’s likely that your kiddo is seeking significance. Significance is related to feelings of power, so your child ignoring you, challenging you, or disobeying you is usually a sign that they are seeking significance in inappropriate ways.
When you are feeling annoyed, angry, or threatened, it’s a good idea to hold your boundaries, but also look for a way to fill your kiddo’s bucket in an appropriate way soon, which are strategies often discussed in positive parenting and parenting classes.
Need validation from a fancy institution?
Harvard also recommends that you should Serve and Return.
Bonus: Are you partnered? Serve and Return is essential behavior for healthy couples. Pay attention to your spouse today and make sure you return their serve!
Extra bonus: The biggest hindrance to returning serves is that supercomputer in your hand or pocket. Smartphones are hindering our ability to read our children’s cues. I’m saving my jeremiad on screens for another newsletter, but for now, I highly recommend that you put your phone in another room in the mornings and evenings when you need to be most present for your kids.
Did you just come up with a reason why that’s not feasible?
Yep, that’s a sign that you are overly attached to your phone. Exert some willpower and show up for your kiddo in a bigger way.
where we’ve been
The Village Well Workshop at Parent Child Preschool Organization
How to Stay Calm When Your Kid Is Not Portland, OR (virtual)
Thursday, March 23
"I really liked that a dad of color was presenting. Ed had a great sense of humor, he was a solid presenter, his values followed PCPO. I left with some wonderings and new insights, which is a big plus." - Laurie P.
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Ed Center, the founder of The Village Well, is a parenting coach and educator certified in the Triple P method. The Village Well is a community of parents in BIPOC families, focused on attaining more joy, calm, and meaning in family life. We coach parents to prioritize their own healing and wellness, deepen connections with their kids, and learn tools to support better behavior. Services include Parenting workshops, Parenting courses, and community events. Our support is culturally-grounded support and honors your unique family. Ready to stop yelling? Schedule a free consultation with one of our team members.
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