Family Screentime Solutions
the heart of the matter
In the last Morning Cup of Calm, I delivered a jeremiad attacking the ways that phones, tvs, and other screens are harming our families. This week, I bring suggestions and solutions. If you have other ways that you limit screen time and screen harm in your household, please let me know so I can incorporate it into one of my positive parenting classes.
Here are some tips that I use to cut back on screen time:
A Full Detox
If screen use is impacting your family’s happiness, or if you sense an addiction, you’ll want to start with the extreme: A full screen detox. This is a set period of time when the kids’ screen time is taken to zero, and parents’ screen time is limited to work. If you just started coming up with a bunch of reasons why this can’t work for you, then you probably need it. The time frame ranges from two weeks to, take a deep breath, six weeks. This WILL be a trying process for all, and every family I know that goes through this notices a boost in happiness, connection, and time spent on activities like playing outside and reading books. The detox then helps your family set reasonable and conservative screen limits when the period ends. Detoxes are especially helpful for kids with ADHD. Here are some tips to design your own detox. I’ve developed my own model that works for my own family, and with many of my clients. We’ll discuss this model in our Family Screentime Support workshop on October 13.
Blackout Periods are times every day and week when all family members put all screens away. Here are some suggestions:
For kids who don’t have to use computers for homework, I recommend that all screens are off from school pick-up to bedtime. Yes, this means you aren’t on your phone while you are cooking dinner, you aren’t using Minecraft as an incentive for doing homework and taking a bath, and your kiddo isn’t updated moment to moment on what’s going on in her friend group text thread.
Set aside times during the week for fun time without screens. Maybe a Saturday morning walk, a Tuesday game night, or a Friday pizza night. Make the time fun rather than punishment. Use it to connect with your kids and create memories.
Offer screen use on a weekly schedule
Many families tell me they try to limit screen time to an hour or so every day, but this becomes a slippery slope. Your kids don’t need to play Roblox every day. Offer it as a treat a couple of times a week.
If my kids get to school on time Monday - Wednesday, they get an hour of video game time on Wednesday night. They get movie night on Friday, and two hours of video game time or TV time on Saturday. That’s it!
Big Buts (and I cannot lie!). I know you are saying but… but… but… here are some responses.
But… my child uses the phone for social connection
I hear this a lot from parents of tween and teen girls. They harbor a real fear that taking away devices will lead to social isolation. During Covid teens were less lonely if they were actively engaged with their friends online. We also know social media use is linked to mental health issues in teens. Research shows that 22% of 10th grade girls spend a ridiculous 7+ hour a day on social media - leaving little time for anything else other than going to school and sleeping.
So what are we to do? You know your kids. Treat your older kids like you treat yourself. Limit rather than eliminate screen time. Have blockout hours for certain apps. Take the phones away at bedtime (sleep deprivation of teens is real). Consider giving your kid 30 minutes with her phone once in the afternoon and once in the evening to connect with those special friends. She can catch up on the rest in person at school tomorrow. Make a screen time contract with your kids (and update it as they age). Talk to your kid about real ways our phones benefit and harm us. Helping our kids learn good screen time practices is just as important as helping them learn how to make healthy food choices, or responsible and safe sexual decisions.
But… screens give me some time to myself
We have all handed over a phone to buy ourselves some time. But if this becomes the norm and not the exception, then something has to change. Remember boredom is healthy for kids! It spurs creativity, self-regulation, and natural cycles of dopamine without artificially high spikes manufactured by app engineers. They do not need to be constantly entertained. Instead of using the TV to babysit, inform your child that you will need an amount of time to do the things you need to do - cook dinner, send emails, or enjoy a bubble bath. You can make suggestions for how your child can occupy themselves, but you don’t have to micromanage it. Your kid may get bored. Your kid will likely complain. Over a very short period of time, your kid will learn to entertain themselves.
But… not all screen time is the same
That’s definitely true! Watching a nature show is different from mindlessly spending hours on TikTok. Family movie night is a way to connect and make memories. As a general rule, my kids can’t use Youtube, but there are a few places where there is quality content that helps them think. We love watching Mark Rober videos.
But… I can’t monitor them all the time
Also true! Fortunately, there are some great tech solutions to our big tech problem.
Here is a starter list of apps to help you manage your kids’ time and safety on devices.
Several companies sell attractive “dumb phones” for kids, with no internet and no social media. Gabb has a solid version.
Our 12 year old enjoys more independence now like taking the bus home from school (yay, less commute time for me!). His grandma bought him an Apple Watch which allows him to text, call, and track his daily steps, but thankfully it doesn’t do much else.
Your internet service provider has an app that allows you to set periods of time when the wifi goes out. You can even have it apply to specific devices. Our wifi stops at 9:30 each night, but for some “strange reason” it doesn’t apply to my laptop.
But… my kid has hours and hours of online homework
For older kids, so much of their school work demands a computer and internet access. While we want our kids to have the digital skills to succeed in the screen-driven world, we can and should advocate for different types of assignments. Advocate early and often for less homework, and for much of it to be on paper. Why less? Studies have shown no correlation between homework, learning, and achievement. Kids spend a lot of time in school. They need more time playing, and reading material of their choice.
Finally, the most important thing we can do to ameliorate our kids’ relationships to screens is to model it. At the park the other day, I counted 8 of 11 parents consistently on their phones. One dad was scrolling the whole time he pushed his kid on the swing. One mom was in a phone conversation the entire time. When we are with our kids, let’s be with our kids, not our phones. Every week I’m horrified when my iphone tells me that I’ve averaged over four hours a day staring at that seductive little rectangle. Shouldn’t I divert some of that time to being fully present with the most important people in my life?
we’re obsessed with
They/ Them Pronouns
An important announcement for my Gen X peeps: I know the concept of nonbinary gender was new for us. The singular “They” was extra tricky because we felt awkward giving a plural verb form to an individual. It wasn’t an easy shift. Well, we’ve tried those shifts now and no one got hurt. However, people DO get hurt; emotionally, and through violence, when we fail to acknowledge their gender. It’s time to make the change. If you aren’t embracing they/them pronouns when people ask you to, you are now officially an asshole. I’m not talking about slip-ups. Nobody I know who is trans and/or nonbinary gets upset over a mistake. I’m talking about stubbornness. I’m talking about holding that the comfort of your paradigm is more important than someone else’s humanity. Here’s what we’ve learned throughout history; when issues get tricky, stand on the side of love, compassion, and inclusion. I believe in us!
Equality Florida @equalityfl has started a campaign called Parenting with Pride to support queer kids and families in Florida and push back on the hateful laws being espoused by extremist right wing politicians there. Check them out here and support them here. Thank you to newsletter subscriber Lynn Johnson for this tip!
Not So Secret Ingredient. If you love a Korean restaurant the way I love a Korean restaurant, you’ll notice the generous use of an ingredient that’s unexpected in most Asian cuisine. Cheese! From simple and surprising corn cheese to the yummy and Instagrammable torched kalbijim at Daeho, cheese brings creamy texture and briny tang to cut through some of the heat and umami in Asian dishes. I’ve started adding a layer of cheddar to the fried noodles I make my kids for afternoon snacks or a light supper. I admit that it’s so yummy it’s screwing up my weight loss plan. Try it! Here’s an easy noodle recipe similar to mine. I just top it with grated cheddar or jack cheese when it’s done cooking. Delish!
where we’ve been
I had so much fun with the eight folks who joined me for Free First Fridays last week. Our topics and discussions went deep fast, but were also loving and light hearted. I also got to meet a few new folks! Join us Friday, October 6 for our next session. Register here.
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Ed Center, the founder of The Village Well, is a parenting coach and educator certified in the Triple P method. The Village Well is a community of parents in BIPOC families, focused on attaining more joy, calm, and meaning in family life. We coach parents to prioritize their own healing and wellness, deepen connections with their kids, and learn tools to support better behavior. Services include Parenting workshops, Parenting courses, and community events. Our support is culturally-grounded support and honors your unique family. Ready to stop yelling? Schedule a free consultation with one of our team members.
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