The Next Epidemic Is In the Palm of Your Hands
Did you miss us? We’ve missed you, too!
How can summer be coming to an end? I’m still reading my first of four summer books and I haven’t yet bitten into a single great tomato! I’ve been experiencing a mostly joyous bustle as I juggle weird camp schedules, a family trip, some elder care challenges, and working hard to support my coaching clients and land some big contracts (see where we’ve been below). Our team has taken on big personal challenges. Our chief operating officer moved her family to Bethesda, and our education director left the teaching profession (seriously y'all, we have to figure out how to better support public school teachers).
AND we are dreaming up ways to better serve you - our faithful parent and educator community…
the heart of the matter
The Next Epidemic Is In the Palm of Your Hands
The screen you are gazing into right now is hurting your family. When are you going to do something about it?
During the COVID-19 pandemic, many of us were frustrated with the attitudes and behaviors of a loud minority who refused to make individual sacrifices to protect collective health. In our technology epidemic, there are a quiet majority of parents who know that screens are harming their families but won’t take actions for several reasons, including because they feel tied to the benefits of being constantly connected. Yes, this is you and me, and all of us are suffering.
The research is out there. I’m not going to spend a ton of time on this because you’ve already seen it. More stats aren’t going to shift behavior. For my wonks, here’s some research and reporting from UCSF, The Mayo Clinic, and the U.S. surgeon general. If you need more evidence, here’s a scary one from the New York Times on the Tiktok tics.
I’m not a researcher. What I can contribute are stories from my experience as both a parent and a parenting coach. I’ve highlighted some key themes from my non-scientific witnessing.
Real life can’t compete against virtual life (chemically speaking)
Nearly 100% of my clients who raise preteens or teens share concerns about screen compulsion. This happens for the same reason as drug addiction. The substance, in this case, video games, youtube, or Tiktok, sends feel-good chemicals flowing through your body. This is partially why it’s so hard to turn Netflix off when your Queer Eye episode ends at 10:15 pm. You want to keep that feel-good flowing! The software enticing us employs teams of user experience engineers who manipulate every advantage - color, sound, daily streaks, the difficulty of finding the exit button on Netflix, the ease of sharing Reels (and then the social pressure of keeping up with those shares). Your screens deliver these hits with power that unplugged joy struggles to match. Playing chess, riding bikes, or building a fort, are race horses competing against stealth fighter jets.
Are your kids more likely to show problematic behavior in the 30 mins after getting off a screen? That crankiness is due to the drop in feel-good hormones. Another important note about dopamine; in addition to making you feel good, it motivates you. Dopamine makes us desire and then have the will to act on that desire. When your child’s dopamine levels dive after getting off a screen, she lacks motivation to do anything. Telling your kids they can play video games before doing their homework is basically saying, “Please fight with me!”.
Think about these situations:
You tell your kid something while they are watching tv. They make no acknowledgment of you, and when you follow up - they have no idea what you said.
The kids are fighting and your spouse is staring into their phone, tuning the kids out.
You go to a beach picnic with a few other families. Some kid brings an iPad and all the kids spend the time huddled around it.
Sure these are all annoying, even rude situations, but remember that there is strong chemical compulsion behind all these behaviors! We are all swimming against a current of electronically-manipulated dopamine! It's crucial for parents to learn strategies and techniques from parenting classes and practice positive parenting to navigate these challenges effectively.
Screen addiction is real
When the behaviors described above seem uncontrollable, your child (or you) may have a screen addiction. Indicators of addiction include the following: extreme behaviors such as crying, screaming, or throwing things when screens are removed; loss of interest in activities that don’t involve screens; sneaking screens and attempts to lie about screen use; your threats or consequences about inappropriate screen use have no impact. The hard thing about screen addiction is that we live in a culture of attachment to our devices, so extreme behaviors seem normal. But if your child’s attachment to phones or video games seems like an addiction - it’s probably an addiction, and it’s time for a significant intervention. If your child has ADHD, screen addiction is even more likely. Monitor their behavior closely.
Screens for young children are particularly harmful
Young kids’ brains are still unformed; they are building willpower and self-control. They are no match for the high doses of pleasure and stimulation that tv, video games, and apps give them. I know there are great educational apps for young children and their time on these allows you to get dinner on the table. You should still limit their time on these apps, because other forms of learning: from teachers, books, and you, will not induce the same level of engagement. Your kid’s preschool teacher doesn’t have a team of user experience engineers figuring out how to keep her students’ attention longer. As I mentioned, almost all of my clients who parent adolescents and teens are concerned about screen compulsion. I’ve started advocating with parents of younger kids to drastically restrict screen time, and to delay getting your kid a phone until they are 14.
Social media companies fake their concern about your teen's anxiety
Cyberbullying is real and horrible. Much more ubiquitous is the FOMO we experience when we compare our hard, mundane lives to others’ highlight reels on social media. I experience this too - it seems like all my friends have abs, unlimited travel budgets, and spend most of their time sipping wine at golden hour in boutique vineyards #roseallday #livingmybestlife. I have a fully developed frontal lobe and some hard-earned wisdom to know that these people also experience shittiness in their lives. Teens lack that perspective and are much more likely to experience envy, social isolation, and anxiety from what they see on their socials. Under a barrage of concern and criticism, Tiktok announced this spring that it would limit its usage to one hour for everyone under 18. What a bold move! It’s a bold lie. After 60 minutes, young doom scrollers are just asked to enter their passcode to keep viewing. App companies are not going to reverse course until there is government intervention demanding it. Note that in China, where TikTok was born, the restriction is 40 minutes after which the app is inaccessible. It also can’t be used overnight.
Screens are impairing your ability to be present for your kids
Don’t kid yourself that screens are just a kid problem. If you are honest with yourself, you can identify times when your phone and your kiddo are battling for your attention, and the phone wins. I hear from many preschool teachers that parents come in to pick up their kids but stay entranced by the device in their hands. This is a key moment of relationship reconnection; you are supporting your kid to transition from the boundary-expanding world of school, back to the safe and comforting relationships of home. This reconnection requires your full attention. Kids are constantly seeking belonging and significance from their primary caregivers. If they don’t feel secure in these areas, they will find bigger, more problematic behaviors to get your attention.
Earbuds suck too
I haven’t seen any research on this yet, but my personal experience tells me that earbuds are contributing to poor interactions between family members. One of the primary ways that we affirm affection is through the “serve and return”. A child serves an interaction, hoping that Grandpa will “return” that serve with a response. Let’s say Grandpa is driving somewhere, and the kiddo says, “Look! A bus!” Grandpa pulls out his headphones, slightly annoyed that his podcast is interrupted. “What?” But the bus is out of view. In the course of life, this is no big deal. But we want to return the majority of the connections that our loved ones serve us. We can’t do that if our ears are blocked.
Okay, that was quite a diatribe. In my next newsletter, I look at solutions. And no, I won’t make you throw all your screens away.
we’re obsessed with
Bedtime Math. My husband and son are enjoying math problems before bed each night. You read that right. Bedtime math seeks to make math a warm and fun activity much like reading a favorite book before bed. Last night my six-year-old enjoyed “shocking” me with his mastery of the twos times table.
Family Camp - This year we signed up for Camp it Up! A queer family camp in Quincy, California. This was our highlight of the summer! This is a camp with cabins, a dining hall serving three square a day, a swimming hole on the river with lifeguards, activities for the kids, and NO WIFI or cell service. We were the happiest we’ve been since the start of the pandemic. My kids made friends, made mischief, had crushes on camp counselors, hit bulls-eyes in archery, snuck out late to see the canopy of stars, and my youngest developed a curious obsession with tetherball. Camp it Up! is for a specific population but my recommendation here is if you can find a family camp that suits you - GO!
The Women’s World Cup. Yes, my beloved U.S. team got knocked out too early. That has allowed me to do is watch games with more objectivity, and notice how much the women’s game has grown. The level of skill, play, and tactics is so high across the board. Just eight years ago, there were only six or so national teams that could compete at this level. Now we see teams like Columbia, Morocco, and Australia, with unprecedented player sophistication and style. The final game is on Sunday and I highly recommend you watch, whether because you are a football fan, or because you want to witness women athletes pushing themselves to the limits of their sport and craft.
where we’ve been
I had so much fun with the eight folks who joined me for Free First Fridays last week. Our topics and discussions went deep fast, but were also loving and light hearted. I also got to meet a few new folks! Join us Friday, October 6 for our next session. Register here.
My team and I worked our butts off to secure some amazing contracts that will help us serve more families and organizations across California. Here are some examples:
Support for Families is a fantastic organization providing many services for families of kids with disabilities in San Francisco. We are providing four virtual workshops and six in-person support groups with them.
Cell-Ed is an amazing company that provides mobile-phone based support to low resource populations around the globe. We are partnering to create bite-sized lessons for parents of young children. These parents have experienced trauma in their own lives, and our support aims to help break cycles of harm.
Last spring, I loved working with the energetic and dedicated staff of Kid’s Country in San Ramon. They’ve expanded to four more schools this fall, so I’ll be back to train new staff, refresh their veterans, and work with their parents! Interested in having me work with your school or organization? I offer an initial online workshop for free! Check out some workshop samples here.
Book a workshop for your school or organization.
Bring The Village Well to your school or organization. We provide powerful, interactive and fun workshops for parents and/or staff. Learn more.
Ed Center, the founder of The Village Well, is a parenting coach and educator certified in the Triple P method. The Village Well is a community of parents in BIPOC families, focused on attaining more joy, calm, and meaning in family life. We coach parents to prioritize their own healing and wellness, deepen connections with their kids, and learn tools to support better behavior. Services include Parenting workshops, Parenting courses, and community events. Our support is culturally-grounded support and honors your unique family. Ready to stop yelling? Schedule a free consultation with one of our team members.
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