When My Baby Called me a Mother F***er in Public

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The gist of things

When My Five-year-old Called Me a Mother F***er in Public

In retrospect it was inevitable. Quarantine with two young kids was damn hard. One of the side effects is that my youngest son, C, developed a filthy vocabulary. He swears like a 27 year old stockbroker in a bear market. Construction workers blush when he tells stories. I unwittingly praise him for language experimentation with the best kind of reward – laughter. When he called his big brother a ‘sh*t bucket’, I laughed so hard I snorted twice. 

So like The Emperor and Darth Vader, it was inevitable that he would turn his dark powers against me.

It happened when we were enjoying a lovely summer afternoon at my friend’s pool. C got upset with something and lashed out at one of the other kids. I intervened to calm things down and he turned to me, pointed, and screamed, “You’re a Mother F***er!”

It’s interesting that the insult still lands in a household with no mom.

Instantly I was in the pool grabbing him. My reaction wasn’t my best or my worst. I pulled him out of the pool, but I wasn’t violent. I didn’t yell. I DID punish. I did get into a power struggle, which I’ve been trying to avoid. I said, “It’s NOT OKAY for you to say that to me! Pool time is DONE for you.” Then I made it clear to my husband that he had better get over here and handle this or shit would go to 11.

Later that evening when we were both calm (and yes, both a bit sulky), I went and sat next to him. I knew we needed to address the situation, and I knew that he needed to practice a different response for when he gets upset. I had to remember the parenting classes I teach. They offer practical suggestions for challenging behaviors and defusing tense situations.

Here’s what I did.

Me: Remember what happened at the pool today? I was very upset. It’s not okay for you to talk to me like that.

C: Well, you made me mad!

Me: I know. It’s totally okay for you to be mad at me. It’s okay for you to tell me and show me that you are mad. It’s never okay to call each other bad words. What are some things you can say to me when you are mad?

C: “I’m mad at you, Daddy!”

Me: Perfect. How about we practice?

C: Yes!

Me: Okay, let’s pretend that I gave your brother the last popsicle and you wanted one but you aren’t going to get one. That would make you mad at me, right? Okay go.

C: I’m mad at you, Daddy!

Me: I can see that. I’m sorry that I made you mad. What can I do to make it better?

C: You can go to the store to get me popsicles.

Me: I’m not going to the store right now. Next time I go I’ll get you popsicles. But let’s see if we can find something yummy for you. Would you like a Hawaiian roll with jelly, or banana chocolate ice cream?

C: Ice cream!

Me: That felt a lot better than swearing at me, didn’t it?

C: Yes.

I’ve been co-creating scripts, and using role plays a lot with my kids to practice for situations we know will come up. This is positive parenting in action. Try it!

Postscript: The next day, he called me a mother f***er again. Sh*t don’t change overnight.

We’re obsessed with…

Banana “ice cream” is a delicious summer treat, and I feel great that I’m putting mostly good, whole, food into our bellies. Buy a bunch of bananas and leave them alone until they are just overripe. Speed and savings tip – sometimes your supermarket will sell a bag of these bananas at a discounted price. Peel the bananas and freeze them. I freeze them spaced out on a tray so they won’t stick, then I store them in a Ziplock bag. When it’s time for the ice cream, you take out one banana per person. Pop in a blender with half a cup of milk, or a vegan milk alternative (I like Oat or Coconut).

Flavor with anything. Here are some of our favorites:

-       Chocolate syrup + vanilla

-       Chocolate syrup + vanilla + cinnamon

-       Fresh or frozen mango + cardamom

-       Fresh berries

-       Frozen berries (pro tip, if you let frozen berries thaw a little bit, they will create a delicious sweet “syrup”).

-       If you have a sweet tooth, add honey to taste.

-       I know this sounds crazy, but I’ve been enjoying a morning smoothie of one frozen banana, half an avocado, half a cup of oat milk, a cup of cold coffee, cinnamon and vanilla. Don’t knock it ‘til you’ve tried it, and don’t serve this version to the kids!

About us

Ed Center, the founder of The Village Well, is a parenting coach and educator certified in the Triple P method. The Village Well is a community of parents in BIPOC families, focused on attaining more joy, calm, and meaning in family life. We coach parents to prioritize their own healing and wellness, deepen connections with their kids, and learn tools to support better behavior. Services include Parenting workshops, Parenting courses, and community events. Our support is culturally-grounded support and honors your unique family. Ready to stop yelling? Schedule a free consultation with one of our team members.