Your Attention is the Sun
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The gist of things
The Your Attention is the Sun
Your attention is the sun; what you shine it on will grow.
After love, our most powerful force in positive parenting, is where and how we focus our attention. Our kids seek our attention to attain their basic needs, including belonging and significance. This is mostly a positive thing. This is how we express love, create joy, and connect. At our best moments, this attention is spent on pillow fights, outdoor play, and in my case, our whole family cheating at board games. When we focus our attention on these things, they will flourish.
One of the mistakes we make in parenting - one of the mistakes I keep making EVEN THOUGH I KNOW BETTER! - is focusing our attention on negative behaviors. Again, your attention is the sun, and you don’t want those behaviors to grow.
Why is this a mistake? Unlike love - which can be unlimited and unconditional, attention is a finite resource that we must spend wisely. We need to budget that resource on the things that are important, on the things that bring us and our families joy and connection, so those things will grow. We can only give our full focus to one thing at a time - and yah, we're gonna talk about your phone use another day! - so we want to be strategic about where we shine that sun.
Secondly, and this is the crucial point here - negative attention is still attention. So when you get into a power struggle with your kiddo- while the experience won’t be pleasant for them, it’s still a reward. Your pleading, lecturing, screaming, dominating, scolding, punishing - whatever your “go to” family fight weapon is - is giving your kid a hit of power. You are shining your sun on weeds. And weeds grow FAST!
Consider the following situation which has played out in my house many, many, MANY, times. It’s 4pm. Your daughter is watching dumb-ass Youtube videos on the iPad. You tell her that it’s time to do her homework and clean her room before dinner. She ignores you.
Power seeking move!
So you go back into her room… you can feel the drama mounting right?
“I told you to do your homework and then clean your filthy room. These are your basic responsibilities!”
She still ignores you.
“If you don’t give me that iPad right now and start cleaning your room, I’m going to smash that thing with a hammer and you won’t get any screen time for a month!”
Not so fun fact: I’ve actually rage-smashed a tablet. Not my best moment.
BOOM! You are now fully engaged in a power struggle- you may win, you may not. Whatever the outcome of that struggle is, you are going to leave the situation frustrated, maybe even furious, and your fight/flight system will be elevated. Later, you will feel crappy, AND you have shined your sun on negative behavior. Your daughter will also be in fight/flight - so you have survival hormones bouncing all through the house now. AND she has earned negative attention. She has gotten a hit of power because she knows that her behaviors can control both your attention and your emotions. She doesn’t consciously understand this, but that power is a drug. She’s gotten her needs for significance met through her negative behaviors. You’ve shined your sun on her resistant, annoying actions, and what happens then? Those behaviors will grow and flourish.
So what do you do, just ignore that crap? No. This isn’t anarchy. You take the energy out of the situation, and shine your sun on the behaviors you want.
Here’s an alternative. First you do some pre-work - during a calm moment, you tell your daughter that she will no longer have access to the iPad immediately after school. When her homework is complete and her room is clean, then she can have the iPad for a certain amount of time. You check for understanding, and then the conversation is over. You do not engage in a debate, or explain your actions. Then you keep the iPad in a place that she can’t get to until you say she can.
On Monday, she comes home from school -
“Mom, where’s the iPad?”
“You know I have it. WHEN you’ve done your homework and cleaned your room, THEN you can have half an hour on the iPad.”
“But MOM, I want to relax a little first!”
“You can absolutely relax first. Would you like a snack? Then when you’ve done your homework and room, you can have the iPad.”
“But MO-”
“You know what the deal is. If you need help with either of those tasks, come get me in the backyard.” You walk away.
Notice what happened in this version. You validated her desires and feelings, but you refused to shine your sun on her attempts to pull you into conflict. You left with your sense of calm and power intact. This tool is called When/Then/Walk. It’s one of my favorite techniques to teach in my parenting classes. It’s simple to implement. You say - WHEN [you do the thing], THEN [you get the thing you want]. And then you WALK away and avoid further discussion. It’s a positive framing of the old and ineffective, “If you don’t [do the thing], then you can’t [get the thing]!” That move is basically casting a dark spell that creates power struggles.
Now I know, I know, I know, I know, I KNOW, I KNOW how hard it is to stay calm in these situations. We’ll offer some tools for that in our next newsletter. Our six-week parenting course goes in depth on staying calm and grounded. Check it out!
We’re Obsessed with…
We’re all frustrated trying to keep our kids occupied without screens, aren’t we? Here are three great audio stories.
The Two Princes takes the classic “frenemies to romance” trope, but adds some flava in that it’s the first kid-friendly audio story I’ve heard about a same gender, interracial romance. If you know of any others, please let me know! The gay and race aspects aren’t central. The real story is about dragons and saving the kingdoms. I enjoy listening along with my kids. Find on Spotify.
My 11 year old has been obsessed with this podcast for a few years, and now my five year old is getting into it. Personally, I’m bored by the stories, but whatever keeps them from fighting in the car. Find wherever you get your podcasts.
Hiplatina.com has a great list of audiobooks in Spanish. These include Disney’s Coco, the beautifully painful Esperanza Renace, and the ubiquitous Harry Potter y la Piedra Filosofal.
About us
Ed Center, the founder of The Village Well, is a parenting coach and educator certified in the Triple P method. The Village Well is a community of parents in BIPOC families, focused on attaining more joy, calm, and meaning in family life. We coach parents to prioritize their own healing and wellness, deepen connections with their kids, and learn tools to support better behavior. Services include Parenting workshops, Parenting courses, and community events. Our support is culturally-grounded support and honors your unique family. Ready to stop yelling? Schedule a free consultation with one of our team members.