Morning Cup of Calm: Motherless Day
the heart of the matter
My kids need new rituals for Mother’s Day. We’ve lost the thread. If you read this newsletter regularly, you know that my husband and I adopted both our kids from foster care. They are biological siblings. Our oldest (non-binary, 13 yo) moved in with us at 6 months old. Seven years later we got a call about their six-week old baby brother. He moved in with us four days later. We call this our accidental gay pregnancy. Neither kid remembers their birth mother, but the idea of her looms large in their imaginations and wonderings. In many ways, her emotional presence is a core hurt for our whole family - our Mother-Wound.
My older child interprets her absence as abandonment. Since before they could talk, we’ve told the story of a wonderful woman who had big, grown-up, problems. She knew she couldn’t give her baby the care they needed, so she made the hard and loving choice to ask the doctor to find them a great family. But our love hasn’t been enough to ease their heart, and make them feel stable. They lash out, are quick to anger, fantasize about finding another family. I’m guessing at a lot of this. They refuse to discuss their birth mother with us.
My youngest has less reactive feelings about her, at least so far. He’s able to talk and wonder about his birth mother and father without big reactions. But I remember when he was two and he screamed out, “Mommy” in the middle of the night. When he was four, he would repeat this phrase, “When I was a baby, I was at the hospital, and I was not scared.” He knows there was a period after his birth mom surrendered him, and before we met him. “I was not scared” salves his fears of being alone without care.
The mother-wound presses on my heart as well. Recently, a dear relative suggested that part of my child’s rage is because he needs maternal energy in life. She delivered the statement with love and concern, but it landed like a switchblade. What if she’s right? What if everything I can do is just not enough? What if who I am isn’t enough?
Three years ago, I went on a psilocybin journey with a trained guide. I saw myself swimming in a cavern decorated with intricate Aztec-like designs. I understood that I was swimming in my children’s mother’s womb. Despite her big, grown-up problems, the womb was loving and safe. I felt a deep sadness that I wasn’t able to offer that primal care to my kids. Then I understood that wasn’t the role designed for me. Subconsciously, I fluctuate between that sadness and that revelation.
When they were little, Chris would go to the Mother’s Day celebrations at preschool. He’d sit on teensy chairs enjoying tea and cucumber sandwiches. We would celebrate Grandma's Day, morphing our mid-May energy toward the two women who have always shown up for our children. We would light a candle for their birth mom every time we went to church. We haven’t been going much since the pandemic.
As they grow up, we need new rituals and traditions. This past Sunday, I took my oldest to their chosen aunty’s house for lunch, then to a video game arcade. It felt like we weren’t talking about the day, its significance and its pain. I called my mom. I didn’t ask the kids to talk to her. We need something more expansive than brunch, mimosas, or breakfast in bed. We need something to hold complexity, wondering, loss, and gratitude for this woman who created our family. In the meantime, I’ll keep showing up, keep staying open to big feelings and powerful actions. I’ll continue to do my best, and pray that my best is good enough.
we’re obsessed with
Anything but pickleball. Please don’t start playing. Ignore the world’s fastest growing sport and the summer sun that beckons you outside to try it. Tune out your friends who say it's easy to learn, radically-inclusive, and the only sport where a nine year old, a pro athlete, and two grandmas can have fun and a decent game. Believe those who say this isn’t a sport… that it’s ping pong standing on the table. Stay off social media so you don’t see Taylor Swift, Serena Williams, Andre Aggasi, and Emma Watson loving the sport. Ignore rumors that after 45 years of playing soccer, I quit because playing pickleball is more fun. Just don’t do it! I plan on playing a lot this summer, and there simply aren’t enough courts to go around.
Summer is around the corner bringing long afternoons and ample sunshine perfect for sporting around outdoors. I beg of you - please don’t play pickleball!
Here’s my team in my first team tournament last weekend. We won second place!
(in the costume category)
Falcons on the Rock. I’m a big fan of raptor bird nest webcams. This season, I’ve kept eyases* on a family of falcons at Alcatraz. If you have a taste for the morbid, make sure to catch a time when mom or dad bring home some dinner.
*that’s a falcon pun but you have to google it
where we’ve been
Mission Grads, May 7 The staff at Mission Grads experienced our most popular workshop, How to Stay Calm When Your Kids Are Not, as part of their summer training.
San Francisco Unified School District Department of Early Learning, May 7 I had the joy of presenting a Kindergarten Readiness workshop for families with many of their cute little ones in tow.
Stronger Starts Lunch and Learn, May 9 Early childhood professionals learned more about the Stronger Starts app, which offers daily microlearning to help families overcome toxic stress and heal from intergenerational trauma.Click here for our implementation tool kit and flyer in both in English & Spanish.
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Ed Center, the founder of The Village Well, is a parenting coach and educator certified in the Triple P method. The Village Well is a community of parents in BIPOC families, focused on attaining more joy, calm, and meaning in family life. We coach parents to prioritize their own healing and wellness, deepen connections with their kids, and learn tools to support better behavior. Services include Parenting workshops, Parenting courses, and community events. Our support is culturally-grounded support and honors your unique family. Ready to stop yelling? Schedule a free consultation with one of our team members.
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