Water In My Hands
My newsletter on the second Wednesday of the month speaks to parents. If you’d also like to receive my newsletter speaking to educators and youth professionals, please email hello@villagewellparenting.com
announcements
Are you a parent of a kid with a disability (including mental health challenges)? Are you in the Bay Area? Come to Support for Families’s annual Information and Resource Conference this Saturday, March 22. There are tons of workshop and resources for you! I’m presenting a workshop How to Stay Calm When Your Kid Is Not, and I’m moderating a panel of youth who are navigating mental health challenges. If you come, please say hi!
Continuing on this theme, next month I’m hosting a free online space for parents and families of kids with disabilities to connect and share with each other. I will lead a discussion about how we can shift from crisis management to thriving. We’ll also discuss individual questions and concerns about your kids.
the heart of the matter
Water In My Hands
Milicent, thank you for asking the question that inspired this post.
I’ve mentioned my older kiddo’s mental health journey many times in this newsletter. I don’t need to say a lot more today. Suffice to say they are struggling, and therefore, my whole family struggles. It’s tough.
My kiddo is going to make their own decisions, and many of those decisions will be ones I don’t like. I’m realizing that I don’t have control. Instead of grasping for it, I need to let go. Realization isn’t always a lightbulb moment. This realizing is labor. I learn something, and then must practice to keep the learning from fading. That’s what it’s like to recognize I’m not in control. It takes tremendous strength to keep my hands soft and open.
Over the last four years, I’ve done a ton of work to interrupt my fight instinct. I don’t threaten, overpower, dominate, or punish as much as I used to. Lately, I’ve realized that some of this fight instinct has transferred into flight. When my kiddo acts up, I might say, “I’m not going to deal with you when you’re like this,” and then go for a walk. My feet lead me to my neighborhood bar and I come home over an hour later and tipsy. Or I might take a hot bath for an hour. On Saturdays I play pickleball for half the day.
My new learning curve is figuring out how to let go of control while staying present. I'm still figuring it out. I told my mom about all this, and she said, “How the hell do you do that?” I said, “I don’t know; you sure never showed me!” We had a good laugh. But it’s the truth. This isn’t something my parents modeled for me. My mom would fight with me, meeting my big emotions with her own. My dad would check out. There’s a middle space, and I’m working to find it. A place where I can hold my kid’s struggles without losing myself in the process.
My friend Jae said, “Damn. It’s like you are parenting the kid and also reparenting yourself.”
I agreed. That's the secret gift of parenting. We get the opportunity to see our own wounds and begin to heal for our kids and ourselves. That’s the real mission impossible, and like the movie - we can choose to accept it.
The way to stay present, I think, has something to do with compassion — understanding that my kid is really struggling, that they feel out of control, furious, and terrified.
It’s holding water in my cupped hands. Gripping tightly, there’s no space for the water. Open too wide, the water pours out. Love, support, and strong boundaries are like that; something to hold with just enough steadiness.
I’m a half-assed Catholic, and it’s Lent. It’s my favorite part of the religious season - yes more than Christmas. I sink into the time for reflection and growth. We are called to slow down, examine old patterns, and make space for something new. I started meditating again. It feels essential to stay in this space of letting go and being present. Often the practice shifts into prayer. I’m comforted asking for strength and clarity. I don’t have to do this work alone. I’ve tried and failed to quit drinking during Lent. But I’m drinking less. I’m more clear-eyed for the work. With sobriety, I can respond rather than react to tough situations.
After one of my kid’s rougher days last week, when all of us felt beaten down and exhausted, they asked me if I wanted to watch a calming video together. I was still mad with them, but I forced out a “sure”. We lay down on my bed and watched a cute kitten compilation on my laptop. We laughed a lot. My anger subsided, our connection recharged. When I closed my laptop, they pulled the covers up around them, showing rather than saying that they wanted to sleep next to me.
we’re obsessed with
I’ve been listening to this meditation to help me stay present with challenging emotions. I can’t quite say I’m obsessed with it. I like the content, but I’m not a fan of “meditation voice” and woo woo music with wind chimes. Do you have a guided meditation you like? Send it to me at ed@villagewellparenting.com
Maybe I’ll record my own.
5 minute dungeon - this game has taken my family by storm. Everyone we introduce it to ends up buying it immediately for their family. It’s a cooperative game that requires high levels of communication and strategy under the pressure of time. Don’t confuse “cooperative” with calm. This game is fast, intense, and we find ourselves screaming with each other but in a fun way. Extra perk: we’ve found that our friends on the autism spectrum excel at this game, but it is highly stimulating, so watch out for overwhelm. Support your local game shop, but it’s also available on Amazon.
Grandpa worries gentle parenting is making his granddaughter a brat
I appreciated this NY Times column. I think the columnist nails it on the right blend of firmness and TLC in parenting. She’s also very clear: grandpa tread carefully, you ain’t in charge here!
Perfect Wednesday chicken
This yogurt marinated chicken recipe from NY Times Cooking is maximum yums with minimum work. The meat is juicy perfection and the skin is crispy. You cook it in the oven for 40 - 50 minutes, just enough time to watch an episode of Severance before the kids come home. For those of you who don’t subscribe to NYT Cooking, here’s the deal:
Note: you need at least an hour to marinate
Spatchcock a whole chicken. Don’t freak out, it takes two minutes, plus you get to say “spatchcock”. Chicken pieces are also fine.
Salt and pepper the chicken
Rub the chicken with plain yogurt. If you use Greek yogurt, cut it with some water so it runs a little (excess yogurt will keep the skin from crisping).
Marinate for at least an hour. Overnight is great.
Preheat oven to 475
Wipe the excess yogurt off the chicken
Line a baking sheet or roasting pan with parchment paper for easy cleaning later. Put the chicken in the pan. Season with your favorite seasoning blend. Last night I used Old Bay and garlic powder.
Cook for 40 mins for pieces, 50 for whole chicken. Temp should be 155 for breast and 165 for thighs. Enjoy!
This LOL moment
This weekend I asked my eight-year-old if he was hungry, then handed him an everything bagel. His response: AN ONION DONUT?! WHAT THE HELL?!
I laughed so hard I almost passed out.
where we’ve been
At Mission Graduates, we facilitated a 'Teaching with Cultural Wisdom' workshop, focusing on the powerful link between our cultural heritage, teaching values, and student relationships. We addressed how intergenerational wounds can affect those connections.
In partnership with FACES SF. Last week, we launched a new program serving dads of young kids in the Bayview neighborhood of San Francisco. We’ll offer resources on parenting skills, and help dads create community with other dads.
We had a great time at the APEX Norcal Networking event as a certified Small Business (SB)! It was awesome connecting with so many folks.
And to any government agencies out there: If you’re looking for top-notch partners serving families and professionals in early childhood, kids with disabilities, criminal justice, or child welfare, please consider The Village Well! We’d love to help.
Book a workshop for your school or organization.
Bring The Village Well to your school or organization. We provide powerful, interactive and fun workshops for parents and/or staff. Learn more.
Ed Center, the founder of The Village Well, is a parenting coach and educator certified in the Triple P method. The Village Well is a community of parents in BIPOC families, focused on attaining more joy, calm, and meaning in family life. We coach parents to prioritize their own healing and wellness, deepen connections with their kids, and learn tools to support better behavior. Services include Parenting workshops, Parenting courses, and community events. Our support is culturally-grounded support and honors your unique family. Ready to stop yelling? Schedule a free consultation with one of our team members.
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