Three Ahas on Our Birthday
announcements
Understanding Intergenerational Trauma in Kids
Free
Join us for this lunch and learn session on understanding intergenerational trauma and its impact on kids and families.
When You're About to Lose Your Sh!+ Workshop
Friday, October 4 at 12 PM PDT
Free
We've all been there. Your kid is doing something that triggers you. You feel your ears getting hot, your breath quickening, and then BOOM you scream, scold, threaten, hide, freeze, or succumb to your default stress response. In this workshop, you'll learn two proactive tools and three in the moment tools to help you keep your cool. And since we're all human, we'll throw in a framework for repair when you haven't been your best.
The Village Well Annual Newsletter Survey
Once a year, we survey our community to understand who you are and what your needs are. Please fill out this super-brief survey here!
the heart of the matter
Happy birthday to us! The Village Well turns two this month. What started out of one parent’s desperation has become, well, a village of people working to find calm, joy, connection, and healing in our family journeys. In 2021 I was at the lowest point of my life. The pandemic would not end. Schools stayed closed as my family life, my professional life, and my marriage frayed. My older kid was suffering an intense mental health spiral. I needed to show up calm and thoughtful to support him, but I was reactive. I met his anger and desperation with my own. As self-care, I would drive to Ocean beach and sob in my parked car.
I knew I needed support in parenting. I found a parenting coach. I found a therapist. They gave some good advice. But that counsel was never going to work for my family. Here’s why:
All the tools they taught required me to be calm in the moment. I didn’t know how to stop reacting. You can’t be a better parent if you can’t stay regulated, and I couldn’t.
The tools were designed for regular kids. I don’t have those. I now understand that I have Spirited Kids. These are kids with huge emotions and impulsive behaviors. I started to understand that I used to be one of these kids. Then throw in a generous dose of trauma related to foster adoption, a handful of ADHD, a double serving of intergenerational wounds, sprinkled with global frustration and terror, and you have a recipe for an extra-spirited family.
The whole field of positive parenting lacks cultural resonance and diversity. Most parenting coaches are straight white women talking to white moms. These “experts” can be judgy and didactic as they dole out shoulds and shouldn’ts with little room for cultural variance. I had trouble locating my mixed race, queer, family built by adoption in their monocultural narrative. There’s a word for white people telling BIPOC people how to act - colonialism.
So I began crafting my own healing journey. Some parts came from western culture; Adlerian psychology, therapy, and zoloft. Other aspects tapped into wisdom from many cultures; forest bathing, calling in ancestors, a guided psilocybin journey, regular mindfulness. I discovered a preference for peer-led, communal, support. I wonder if many folks of color heal better in circles of people. Over time, I found myself less triggered. I found that when I faced my kids’ difficult behavior, I could hold my center, and then choose a response. At least sometimes.
On this journey, I learned a few things:
There are lots of us out there doing the work of cyclebreaking. In our culture, we don’t talk about this enough, so we feel alone. I want to be transparent about our healing. I want to create spaces and venues for shared authenticity, work, and growth.
The most important parenting tools are commitment, grace, and a sense of humor. I teach a bunch of effective methods to help parents and educators get more positive and productive behavior from their kids. Check out here, here, and here. These techniques pale in comparison to the importance of parents being willing to screw up, forgive themselves, and try again.
We need a movement around parental wellness and support. This shit is hard and it’s only getting harder. We need to push against the tropes of super moms, helicopter parents, and giving up our lives and needs to serve our kids. We need to push on systems - employers, schools, government, to create policies where we have a chance of success.
We’ll do this work together. At The Village Well, we are just getting started. Thanks for being a part of this amazing community.
Be Well!
ed
Book a workshop for your school or organization.
Bring The Village Well to your school or organization. We provide powerful, interactive and fun workshops for parents and/or staff. Learn more.
Ed Center, the founder of The Village Well, is a parenting coach and educator certified in the Triple P method. The Village Well is a community of parents in BIPOC families, focused on attaining more joy, calm, and meaning in family life. We coach parents to prioritize their own healing and wellness, deepen connections with their kids, and learn tools to support better behavior. Services include Parenting workshops, Parenting courses, and community events. Our support is culturally-grounded support and honors your unique family. Ready to stop yelling? Schedule a free consultation with one of our team members.
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