The Best Holiday Gift for Your Kids
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The gist of things
The Best Holiday Gift for Your Kids
A few weeks ago, my 11 year old wanted to make boxed mac n cheese for dinner. I said no. He’d had it last week, and it’s nasty processed stuff. I’m not sure it qualifies as food. He stormed off in a fit but I was unmoved. Several minutes later he returned with an online recipe for DIY Powdered Cheese (made from the natural stuff). “Dad, can we make this for special time? Then I’ll try it with macaroni.” I was impressed with his resourcefulness, and excited to have something experimental for special time.
Special time is a cornerstone of positive parenting. You’ll find it in every positive parenting program or parenting classes because it’s such a powerful way to build and affirm belonging and significance with your kiddos. If this concept is new to you, fantastic! We’ll break down the basics for you. If you are familiar with this concept, great! We’ll look at how you can take advantage of the holiday weeks ahead to have more great experiences with your kids.
Why special time?
Much of Positive Parenting is based on the psychology of Alfred Adler who proposed that human behavior is driven by fundamental desires for belonging and significance. Proponents of positive parenting, including myself, advise that when we give our children lots of opportunities to feel belonging and significance, they want to behave in productive ways. Special time is a daily dose of belonging and significance for a child. You spend 15 minutes a day giving a child your complete attention, doing an activity that they choose. This reminds your child that they are loved, cared for, and, well, special. It sounds pretty basic, right? Yet, carving out 15 minutes a day per child can be quite tricky. Here we’ll explain how to get it done during a busy time of year.
The basics
Special time is one on one time hanging out with your kids, doing an activity of your kiddo’s choosing. Here are some basic criteria:
It must be 1:1
It should last 15 - 20 minutes. 10 is fine in a pinch.
It should be scheduled, sacred, and around the same time every day so that your kiddo knows when to expect it
Your child chooses the activity
You give your full attention to that activity. Find a space away from other family members. Put your phone away.
Commit to full childlike play
In a multiple adult household, it’s a great idea to switch up special time assignments each day. On Monday, I will have special time with my oldest while my husband takes the baby. On Tuesday, we switch.
It’s a good idea to have some clear boundaries around special time. Ours are; no screens, no sugar, no money.
Time in front of a screen is not special time. Your child’s brain forms a relationship with the screen during this time, not with you. The only exception is occasionally playing video games with teenagers, as this may be the best way to relate to them. If this is the only way to relate to your teen, there’s some work to do with your teen’s interests and with your relationship.
Holiday Remix
Somehow it’s December tomorrow, and it brings a time paradox. We often have more flexible time with our kids during vacation days. This month can also feel like a rat race of events and errands, with too much to do, and pressure to act cheerful while doing it.
Committing, or recommitting, to special time, is the best investment of your time during the holiday season. The boost of belonging and significance means that your kiddos are more likely to behave better during a challenging time of high expectations and laxed routines. A dose of special time often means that you can turn your attention to other matters later, like making sure you put a lot of thought into that gift that your mother in law still won’t approve of. Most importantly, you ensure that you are focusing on one of the most important values of the holiday season: quality time with family. You can’t wrap it up, but special time is the best gift you can give this season.
Here are some tips for holiday special time:
1. Schedule it in the morning. You will lose control of the day. Scheduling it in the morning not only ensures it gets done, but you reap the benefit of better behavior afterward.
2. Commit to just a few time consuming fun projects. The holidays may be a time to bake cakes, go sledding, or make a DIY ugly sweater. Don’t try to do a lot of these with your kids, unless you have a baby Martha Stewart.
3. Remember if making cookies is your idea of fun, it doesn’t count as special time. You can still do that with your kids, but do special time separately.
4. Keep it up while you travel. Continue your routine at Grandma’s house. In a different environment, it’s extra important that your kids feel belonging and significance. Yes, it’s great to bring Aunties and Uncles in on the tradition. They can have their own, additional, special time with your kids, but it doesn’t replace yours.
5. Often kids behave better after special time because their buckets of belonging and significance are full. Use this effect tactically. Have a dose of special time before the long road trip, before you watch a key World Cup match, before you dress them up for photos with Santa. This effect doesn’t always work, but it increases the odds of better behavior.
6. Schedule special time with your spouse. If you are partnered, consider using the holidays to schedule some brief meaningful moments with your partner. Often this is the last thing we schedule, and then it doesn’t happen. Go for a walk together, put the kids on a screen (see We’re obsessed with, below) and have a mini date night with pizza and wine, just connect!
Commit to special time every day during the holidays and you just might find this becomes your kiddo’s favorite holiday tradition of all. Got questions about special time? Scroll to the bottom for more info.
We’re obsessed with:
I’m not a fan of allowing a lot of screen time for kids, however, December means more unstructured time at home and can be an opportunity to check out more shows. These are some top picks with great BIPOC representation.
For the Littles
The Snowy Day (Amazon) is one of the great children’s books of all time, and a few years ago this African American classic was adapted into a cartoon. It’s beautiful, charming, and fun. As a child of the 90s, I appreciate the earnest multiculturalism paired with frequent cameos by Boys 2 Men! The Snowy Day joins Elf and Love Actually to form my holy trinity of holiday viewing.
Spirit Rangers (Netflix) centers three contemporary native american siblings with a secret; they can transform into spirits and enter the Spirit Park, where they help protect the natural environment they call home. This kids cartoon is the latest in a wonderful new trend of big streaming services investing in stories told by BIPOC creators about BIPOC characters (see Reservation Dogs below). This is very much a kids’ cartoon, so I find it mildly uninteresting - the same way I feel about Paw Patrol or Gabby’s Dollhouse. But I’m not the target audience. My five year old watches it and I can check out and feel good that he’s taking in positive self-portrayals of indigenous people.
For the Biggers (tweens and teens)
Let me be clear, Wednesday (Netflix) is not great television. This Addams Family adaptation is the latest dramatic update on kids cartoons in the vein of Sabrina and Riverdale. It’s playing to the CW-type crowd that wants brooding teen actors oozing drama and the possibility of sex. Yet in that vein, is there a character more ripe for sexy, brooding, drama than Wednesday Addams? Jenna Ortega perfectly deadpans her way through the role, even though she could be assisted by better writing. For me, the main fun of this series is that Addams Family is played by a Latinx cast. Through this lens, we get to explore elements of Latinx goth culture that are rarely appreciated in mainstream media, and also follow the metaphor of a family with a strong sense of culture and pride trying to coexist in a town full of “normies”.
For the Bigs (grow’d ups)
Binge this! If you haven’t jumped on the Reservation Dogs (Hulu) bandwagon, use some of your flexible holiday time to do so. Like Spirit Rangers, this series features an all indigenous writers’ room, and a mostly native cast filled with talent. I’m in awe of the teen actors who navigate deep, complicated, familial and friendship ties with the understated emotional expression of adolescent culture. The writing and plot lines are hilarious!
I’m just gonna assume you’ve watched Abbott Elementary (Hulu). Coz If you haven’t… I can’t with you.
More Questions on Special Time
I don’t have time for this. What are my options?
A brief event like an out of town trip, or a crisis such as injury or a personal loss might mean that you are unable to provide special time for some period. But if your every day routine doesn’t allow 15 minutes to focus on your kid, you a serious priority shift. I guarantee that your kids sense that they aren’t the top priorities in your life, and this will have repercussions on your relationship with them in the future, and their ability to connect in intimate relationships with others. Also, think of special time as a time saving investment. 15 minutes of planned fun time, can save 30-60 minutes of unplanned bad behavior.
I’m a single parent with three kids. How do I fit in 45 minutes of special time?
It’s time to get creative. Do you have people in your close community who can help you, maybe taking one shift a day? Can you shorten the time to 10 minutes for each kid?
What do I do with my other children during special time?
Tell the other children that you are going to have special time with one kid, and that you are going to count on them to occupy themselves. Let them know their turn is coming. Even a three year old can spend time alone playing for 10 minutes if space and toys are available (I get that won’t be easy every time). If you allow screen time in your home, you can put siblings on a screen while you engage with one. However, if some kids are really enjoying a show or video game, your child in special time may be distracted.
My child wants to do the same thing every day?
This is totally natural. Younger kids especially often choose the same activity every day. Repetition is a form of stability and comfort. Go where your child leads you.
Can we watch a fun tv show together?
No screens. You are actually developing a connection with the screen next to each other. Movie nights or laughing at kitten videos together are fun and worthwhile but this doesn’t count as special time.
Can I do more than one special time session with my child each day?Absolutely. Make sure your child knows that it’s an extra session so they don’t try to get it every day. It’s a great idea to offer an extra special time before a moment that you know will be challenging; a tough transition for your kid, when you have an important Zoom meeting that you’d like to take uninterrupted.
About us:
Ed Center, the founder of The Village Well, is a parenting coach and educator certified in the Triple P method. The Village Well is a community of parents in BIPOC families, focused on attaining more joy, calm, and meaning in family life. We coach parents to prioritize their own healing and wellness, deepen connections with their kids, and learn tools to support better behavior. Services include Parenting workshops, Parenting courses, and community events. Our support is culturally-grounded support and honors your unique family. Ready to stop yelling? Schedule a free consultation with one of our team members.