The Fastest Antidote to Feeling Triggered
Head’s Up!
To both of our YouTube Channel subscribers 😂- you may have noticed some new activity. We’ve been posting mindfulness and movement videos specifically for parents. These videos were created for our six week course (currently underway), and are available for all. One of our core beliefs is that we parent well when we are well. These videos are a tool to help with that. Subscribe to our channel now so you’ll be set up to view our ten video series for POC parents launching next month.
Speaking of next month, join us for our Surviving and Thriving Skills for POC Parents (Zoom Workshop) on December 3 from 9:00 AM - 10:15 AM Pacific. We’ll cover:
Understanding your triggers and how these affect your parenting
Tools for interrupting harmful intergenerational scripts
Time to practice positive and productive approaches to that parenting struggle that is driving you crazy!
The workshop costs just $30, but you, dear reader, can enroll for only 15 bucks with promo code TVWNEWSLETTER
But wait, that’s not all! Bring a friend (yes a spouse can count!) and you BOTH can register for free, using the code TVWBRINGAFRIEND
The gist of things
The Fastest Antidote to Feeling Triggered
Compassion is always, at its most authentic, about a shift from the cramped world of self-preoccupation into a more expansive place of fellowship.
Father Gregory Boyle
All quality parenting requires us to be calm when our kids are not. Let me say that again - You must be calm when your kids are not. This is the most important and most difficult thing one can do as a parent. Many positive parenting programs and parenting classes assume that you can readily do this? WHAT? HOW?
As I went on my own journey to respond more than I react, I found that six factors influence this super power. I now know that my experience mirrors psychological and neurological research.
Physical Wellness - are you eating well, moving, getting adequate sleep, minimizing toxins like processed food, sugar, alcohol, and drugs? I know, I know, I’m working on my wine habit, I’m a guide not a monk.
Connection - do you spend quality time at least twice a week with people who bring you joy and fill your energy cup? For me, this means time with my husband or friends away from my kids.
Flow - do you spend time at least once a week pursuing something that brings a mindful state of being in the present, where you forget about time, and you experience both deep concentration and ease. Quick tip: who did you think about when you read number 2? A walk in nature with that person will induce flow. Even a park will do.
Mindfulness - do you have a dedicated practice of working to be in the moment. This could be meditation, yoga, mindful eating, prayer, or just noticing and appreciating the here and now.
Healing - For years, I thought I was healed because I understood my childhood trauma and difficulties. I packed those wounds iinto pretty boxes, labeled them, and put them on a shelf in the back of my mind. My kids taught me that awareness is just the first step. Full healing requires gentle unpacking, examining, and letting go.
Compassion - do you view the actions of others through a generous lens?
Of all these, I’ve found that compassion is the easiest to access. Yes, THIS is the fastest antidote to feeling triggered! If you want the most progress for the least effort, start here! Caveat, if you don’t have some engagement with the other five, compassion can’t save you.
When I say compassion, I mean leaning into your empathy skills. Practice walking in other people’s shoes (not literally, sometimes those shoes be funky). When we imagine what another person is experiencing in a challenging moment, we are sharing a mindful moment with them, even if it’s just in our heads. One way to do this is through what parenting educator Dr. Becky Kennedy calls the most generous interpretation or MGI. I’ve been trying to practice this when I experience that ubiquitous inconvenience of modern life - the light changes to green, and the car in front of me remains motionless because the driver is looking at his phone. Yes, that’s annoying. Yes, I’ve leaned into my horn and taught my kids new vocabulary words. When I do that, I surrender my mood and actions to my fight/flight response. Fight hormones hijack my body. I’ll feel angry, sour, and righteous. I’m also in a terrible position. In the car, I can’t do the things I need to do to complete the stress cycle. I can’t engage in physical activity. I can’t find a calm space. I definitely can’t close my eyes and take deep breaths. All because I was delayed for what - three seconds? Five? I wasn’t going to finally write my novel during those seconds.
So here’s my MGI at that moment. ‘This guy, like all of us, has too much going on. He’s struggling to stay above water with all the pressures of life - work, family, maybe a relationship that he’s trying to salvage. He’s running some stupid errand, but he doesn’t even feel like he can just relax and listen to Snap Judgement on NPR. So he’s reading another annoying email from his annoying boss, and…’ At this point I stop imagining because I’m getting sad! Instead of leaning on the horn, I do a polite beepbeep, and mentally wish him well. I’m calm. I turn on Snap Judgement.
It doesn’t matter if MGI is right. The point is that viewing the situation through that filter keeps me calm. I don’t allow my lizard brain to take over.
Now let’s apply this to parenting. My 11 year old has a sugar addiction. While we are strict about not allowing sweets in the house, he finds ways to acquire and hide candy and soda. Inevitably, I discover wrappers under his pillow, or a telltale blue tongue. My lizard brain reaction is to scream, berate, and punish him for violating our rules. I keep that at bay with my MGI, ‘There is a lot to life that he can’t control, and this makes him anxious. One thing that gives him a sense of control and a hit of feeling good is sugar. I’m the same way with wine.’
Again, I don’t know if this is actually true. Maybe he’s just a manipulating a-hole™ who smuggles sweets as a gateway to a life of mostly unsuccessful crime. Holding my MGI allows me to empathize and remain calm. I can then respond to the situation in productive ways.
It’s impossible to formulate a MGI in a triggered moment. You have to do some prework. In calm times, proactively think about the situations that are most likely to trigger you - the person in front of you in the checkout line is taking forever to pay, or your kid refuses to eat your enchiladas because they are “gooey on the top”. Then develop your MGI, and practice it!
More information:
Are you interested in learning more from Dr. Becky who (I think) coined the term MGI? Check out her podcast.
We learned a ton about how to counteract our stress responses from the great book, Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle
We’re obsessed with:
Parenting Decolonized
When I started my own journey of healing and becoming a more compassionate dad, I searched for BIPOC leaders and spaces where I could find support and community. I came up with nothing. It turns out I didn’t turn all the stones. I’ve since found a few trailblazers practicing positive parenting with folks of color in ways that lift up cultural traditions and acknowledge systems of oppression. One of these leaders is Yolanda Williams who runs the Parenting Decolonized Podcast focused on raising liberated Black children. She’s a role model to me in navigating the space between insight, conviction, and vulnerability. I listened to the latest episode twice. Pardon my bias here, but conversations between Black and Filipino people always deliver! I was struck with how both host and guest are committed to parenting their kiddos in a different way from how they were raised, and how that requires vigilance, healing, and boundaries with the world, and with their own family members. *Snap, snap, snap*. I relate a lot.
Tickle Monster
From decolonization back to capitalism. *Sigh*. Right now, many of us are looking for cool kid gifts that don’t break the bank. I’ve been buying this book for all our chosen nephews and nieces under seven years old. It’s my youngest’s favorite book right now. It’s a fun story, it comes with fuzzy props, and it invites tickling! What else could you want? Make sure to get the set with the book and fuzzy monster gloves in an attractive box. It’s less than 30 bucks.
Habitat App
My favorite app right now! Get a jump start on your New Year’s Resolutions with Habitat. You set Habit Goals, and then invite friends with similar goals to join you. You track progress together and create group streaks. Currently, I’m making progress on meditation, strength training, and not drinking. I have a cohort with my high school friends, and we are having some intimate and vulnerable conversations around what these habits mean to us. Currently on iOS but an Android version can’t be far away.
The Village Well is not sponsored by any of these products, but we certainly would love to be!
About us:
Ed Center, the founder of The Village Well, is a parenting coach and educator certified in the Triple P method. The Village Well is a community of parents in BIPOC families, focused on attaining more joy, calm, and meaning in family life. We coach parents to prioritize their own healing and wellness, deepen connections with their kids, and learn tools to support better behavior. Services include Parenting workshops, Parenting courses, and community events. Our support is culturally-grounded support and honors your unique family. Ready to stop yelling? Schedule a free consultation with one of our team members.