You Suck At Giving Directions

Head’s Up!

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The gist of things

You Suck At Giving Directions (it’s okay, so do most of us)

This scenario is probably familiar. The other day I was cooking in my standard kitchen chaos, struggling to put a health-adjacent dinner on my kids’ plates. My older son was watching tv. 

“Honey bunny, you have five more minutes and then it’s time to stop and set the table… Alexa, set timer for five minutes!”

When the alarm went off, I hollered into the living room, “Time’s up, baby. Please turn off the tv and set the dinner table.”

You know the rest of the story. He ignored, I nagged, he protested, I snapped. Now we’re both annoyed, the table isn’t set, and we’re going into dinner with half the humans in our family in a pissy mood. #parentingfail

I wish he could just listen to directions. I was clear. I gave him a five minute warning. And yet… 

My directions sucked. 

It’s not the words that I used, those were fine. It’s that I ignored my kid’s emotional attachment needs in the process. My son was totally focused on the screen, likely using this as a zoning out tactic after a long day at school and his after school program. He had found a brief period where no adult was telling him what to do. When I gave my warning, and then my direction, he heard me like an adult in a Charlie Brown cartoon.

I wish my son had the skills to jump to it and complete a direction that I give him. But he doesn’t yet, so it’s my job to help him build those skills. Yelling at him will not build skills. It may get him to do the task, but he will do it out of fear or coercion, and in that state, his frontal lobe (rational brain) shuts down, and he can’t learn. In order to teach him how to follow directions, I need to Collect, Connect, and Direct. Huh?

This is a process grounded in positive and attachment psychology, that puts your kiddo in a state of mind to hear you.

Collect

This definition of collect was new to me too. It’s the process of collecting your kid’s attention and reestablishing attachment. Get physically close to your kid, and get in their vision in a calm and friendly way. Speak your child’s name. Wait to get a smile or nod, and an overall sense of warmth and connection. In pursuing them in this manner, we gather them to us and invite them back into the relationship. Collection is important anytime there has been a separation - when you pick up your kid after school, when they come in from outside, when they get off a screen. Check out this website for more information on collecting.

Connect

Put something into your child’s belonging bucket. Smile. Hug. Put your hand on her shoulder. You are reestablishing connection here, so don’t go straight into rough play or silliness. Go gentle at first. In my example, I might have asked what he was watching and followed up with an open ended question about the show.

Direct

Give your child the instruction. For example, “It’s almost dinner, please set the table now.” When giving directions remember to:

• Maintain your full focus on your child 

• Maintain your connection (eye contact, smile)

• Give just one direction in a clear, firm, statement (don’t ask)

• Ask your child to repeat back the statement

Let’s say your child already has the skills to handle multiple directions… Great! Follow the same steps, and then have your kid repeat back the several steps. 

But that’s a lot more effort! Yep! Effective parenting techniques require you to give full attention to what you are doing. That isn’t easy when we are trying to get dinner on the table. 

You know what’s a lot more effort? Getting into a whining, nagging, yelling, power struggle, and still not having the table set. The process of collecting, connecting, and directing can take less than one minute, especially if you've learned these strategies through one of my parenting classes. It’s a minute well-spent, that will save you so much in time and grief.

Try this positive parenting tool out and please let us know how it goes!

Bonus: We’ll cover When… Then… directions in a future newsletter. As a preview, consider how much easier I could’ve made my life if I had the forethought to say, “Sure you can watch some television. When you’ve done your homework and set the dinner table, then I’ll get you the remote.”

We’re obsessed with:

Dia de los Muertos! For many of us, the day after Halloween involves unending negotiation over candy. In Mexico and the Mexican diaspora, November 1 is Dia de los Muertos, a day to respect and remember your ancestors with joy and revelry. My friend Karina Moreno wrote and narrated a gorgeous perspective on her relationship with the holiday. Read or listen to it here. To our Mexican and Mexican American readers - we hope you are enjoying your calaveras, ofrendas, and the warm remembrances of those who have passed on. To others, consider rewatching Coco with your kids this week.

Custom Sticker Charts

Sticker reward charts can be a great way to encourage new habits for your kids over a short period of time (setting the table, washing themselves in the bathtub, taking stinky socks out of their own sports bags, doing chores). Etsy has some cute versions that you can customize - many for under five bucks! I’m ordering some now for holiday stocking stuffers.

About us:

Ed Center, the founder of The Village Well, is a parenting coach and educator certified in the Triple P method. The Village Well is a community of parents in BIPOC families, focused on attaining more joy, calm, and meaning in family life. We coach parents to prioritize their own healing and wellness, deepen connections with their kids, and learn tools to support better behavior. Services include Parenting workshops, Parenting courses, and community events. Our support is culturally-grounded support and honors your unique family. Ready to stop yelling? Schedule a free consultation with one of our team members.