Morning Cup of Calm: Mistaken Goals
the heart of the matter
I know it’s summer, but we are about to get scholastic with some psychology principles (as usual, developed by dead white dudes). Remember to take these with grains of salt. These theories were based on monocultural research and assumptions, and often were grounded in evidence, but not proof. After all, how can one prove Professor Jung’s theory of the collective unconscious? Yet, it’s a fascinating concept to reflect on. So let’s go back to school and grab the components of some theories that help with our parenting and healing.
Today, we’ll review some theories of Alfred Adler. Adler developed the idea that all human beings, including you and your children, are driven by the need for belonging and significance. Adler’s ideas are the foundation of the Positive Parenting principles that I teach. Today, we will explore the concept of Mistaken Goals.
When kids feel insecure in their belonging or significance, they seek to meet these needs, often in ways that are difficult for parents and teachers. Sometimes these seeking behaviors fall into what we call Mistaken Goals. There are four mistaken goals; undue attention, power, revenge, or insignificance. Let’s break them down one by one.
Undue Attention
A child who seeks undue attention carries the belief that he only belongs when he is the center of attention. The mistaken belief might be expressed as, “I belong only when I’m getting noticed or getting special service”. He will garner this attention, negative or positive, through disruptive methods. Whining, interrupting, constant question asking, “who do you like more” questions, silly behavior, and the class clown role, are all forms of this mistaken goal. This was my mistaken belief as a child. When I didn’t get sufficient attention, I sought to capture adult’s attention through whatever means I could - usually big actions and attempts at humor. My amazing 5th grade teacher was fond of saying, “Edward, there is a fine line between cute and obnoxious.”
We find clues to the nature of mistaken goals in our own reactions and behaviors. As a response to undue attention, kid-raisers feel annoyed. When parents tell me about their kids’ whining behavior, their response is always that it’s annoying.
Misguided Power
Children seeking misguided power hold the belief that I’m significant because I’m the boss, or, I can force you to accept me. The adult reaction is usually anger or feeling threatened, which results in dominance, or “I’ll make you!” behavior. BAM! Now we’ve got a juicy power struggle on our hands. Obstinance, willful defiance, and willful ignoring of instructions, are expressions of misguided power.
Revenge
The next two, revenge and insignificance, are more intense mistaken beliefs and tougher to handle. These may require professional support from a therapist, school counselor, or social worker. With Revenge, the child’s mistaken belief is “I don’t belong and that hurts, so I will get revenge on you.” This leads to big inappropriate actions that result in adults feeling hurt, disbelief, and betrayal. Think of the foster kid who no longer believes that adults are loving and caring, so she becomes as difficult as possible to force her new foster parents to hate her sooner rather than later. I won’t sugarcoat, it’s tough to like a kid who seeks revenge. Often adults retaliate and punish, which confirms that mistaken belief that the child does not belong.
Insignificance
I find this the saddest of the mistaken goals. These children believe that they don’t belong because they aren’t worthy, and so they give up. All kids occasionally say something is too hard, or don’t want to try. Kids who are experiencing true insignificance have learned helplessness as the default response in a given context. Their behaviors include minimum effort, refusing to try, and trying to quit at every turn. The adults react with despair, hopelessness, or feelings of their own inadequacy.
Changing Your Interpretation and Response
You probably recognize at least one of these mistaken beliefs showing up in your kiddo’s behavior patterns. So what can you do to support your child out of that belief? These are called “mistaken beliefs” because the actual belief, at least according to Adler, is the need for belonging and significance. In most cases, the response of caregivers should be to give little energy to the mistaken belief behavior, and to focus on supporting your child’s belonging and significance. We need to cut through their mistaken beliefs and help them belong and feel significant. We do this by changing our labels, then changing our tactics.
For Undue Attention, instead of seeing our kids as annoying, let’s label them with “Notice Me! Involve me usefully!” Imagine your child is wearing a hat or a t-shirt that says this. Shoot, have your crafty sister-in-law make an actual t-shirt that says this. Change your tactics to actually noticing and involving the child. I once taught a first grade student who was exceptionally bright, and eager to answer all the questions I asked in class. If I didn’t call on her, she would get frustrated and disruptive. I tried to reason with her, but her reasoning brain wasn’t ready for that. One day, inspiration hit me. I made a deal with her. If she raised her hand, I would make a number with my left-hand fingers and hold it by my waist. That was our secret code telling her how many turns it would be before I called on her. Secret code? Special attention! Every time I showed the number she smiled and waited patiently. I still had to call on her disproportionately, but there was no more drama.
For children exhibiting Misguided Power, let’s re-label them as “Let me help! Give me Choices!” Instead of power struggles, let’s fill their power buckets with responsibility. My kids will both dig in about eating anything other than boxed mac ‘n’ cheese, or McNuggets, so I have them brainstorm healthy meals for the week, come up with a menu, and help me prepare the meals. It’s kinda working.
Children with Revenge behavior can be labeled with “I am hurting. Validate my feelings.” Note that these actions are the exact opposite of what we may want to do. It’s critical that we don’t retaliate against kids with revenge behavior, as this confirms the mistaken belief. Instead, try to find time to connect and care. Again, a professional may be helpful here.
For children who believe they are Insignificant, the new label is “Do not give up on me. Show me small steps.” Parent actions include extra special time, breaking things down, and using encouragement. Think about spending more time in activities or subjects that play to the child’s strengths. If insignificance is connected to academics, the last thing you want to do is force your kiddo into more of the same! Instead, offer or provide support that is gentle and individually-attuned.
Parenting this way may feel like a bit of a shock to you. You most likely weren’t raised like this. I agree, these concepts still seem foreign to me, and go against my cultural wiring. Yet these parenting tools make sense when we recognize that we want to…
Change the Belief, Not Just the Behavior
Note that the positive parenting tools we describe don’t just get at shifting unwanted behavior, they try to shift the belief. The behavior will stop only when the belief behind the behavior is changed. Breaking the code helps you understand the discouraging belief behind the behavior and what the child really needs to feel encouraged enough to change his or her belief. Please note that regular Special Time is a great antidote to all these mistaken beliefs.
For your convenience, postitivediscipline.com has a straightforward if somewhat dense chart on this material.
Sources: Much of the information in this newsletter comes from two sources;
Positivediscipline.com was developed by Jane Nelson, a pioneer in the field of positive discipline.
Positiveparentingsolutions.com is an e-learning platform for Positive Parenting.
Both sources have strong content for parents. Positivediscipline.com also has good material for educators. I struggled with the lack of cultural competency in both platforms.
we’re obsessed with
21 Chump Street. I rediscovered this wonderful 14-minute musical that Lin Manuel Miranda wrote and directed for This American Life. The material is from an actual news feature about a high school student in Florida who fell for another student who was actually an undercover cop. Let’s just say things didn’t go as he had hoped. Like everything Miranda creates, this is charming, poetic, and profound.
We Are Lady Parts. My husband and I are obsessed with this touching comedy about an all Muslim woman punk band. I love the lead guitarist with stage fright so bad she projectile vomits. He can’t get enough of the foul-mouthed band manager who vapes through her burka. The characters are deep, well-acted, and we just keep coming back for more. Find on NBC or Peacock.
American Women Are At A Breaking Point. Need I say more?
Mutt. This movie is a Pride Month gem. I was annoyed a bit at the need to provide a 101 about the transgender experience, but the relationships between characters are complex and compelling. Check it out on Netflix or Amazon.
where we’ve been
I had a blast partnering with Be the Change Consulting to help staff at Jamestown Community Center and Community Youth Center prep for the summer. Check out some highlights here!
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Ed Center, the founder of The Village Well, is a parenting coach and educator certified in the Triple P method. The Village Well is a community of parents in BIPOC families, focused on attaining more joy, calm, and meaning in family life. We coach parents to prioritize their own healing and wellness, deepen connections with their kids, and learn tools to support better behavior. Services include Parenting workshops, Parenting courses, and community events. Our support is culturally-grounded support and honors your unique family. Ready to stop yelling? Schedule a free consultation with one of our team members.
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