Morning Cup of Calm: Parenting Soft and Hard
the heart of the matter
Thank you Sarah and Ruby for the inspiration for this newsletter.
Last week, one of my besties called me for some parenting counsel. Her young adult son is struggling with his career and mental health, and we talked through some possible actions she could take. I said that because he’s an adult now, she can’t direct his actions. Instead she could offer more support, care, and perspective. I loved the next thing she said, “You know my daughter says there is hard parenting which is directing, controlling, and saying I told you so. Then there is soft parenting which is fun, laughter, hugs, and just being together. She said the kids want more soft parenting from me.”
There is so much wisdom in this idea of hard versus soft parenting. It’s a simple frame that captures much of what I teach in my workshops and coaching sessions.
Hard Parenting: The Enforcer
We engage in hard parenting when we teach, guide, and discipline. When your kids playing devolves into yelling, then crying, you go right into hard parenting. You hold court in a manner that would make Judge Judy proud. Some attributes of hard parenting:
Assertive: You have the confidence to lay down the law. You’re the (mostly) benevolent ruler of the household!
Rule-Making: You’ve got a list of rules longer than a Costco receipt, and you don’t hesitate to pull it out. My dear husband, I’m looking at you.
Teaching: You want to guide your kids through tough situations. Your lectures may run a little long. Dear Self, I'm looking in the mirror.
Soft Parenting: The Queen of Cuddles
Are you a master of pillow fights? Have you held your daughter close after she missed a shot that would have won the soccer game? This is the soft part of parenting. Here’s a little more:
Fun: You're the life of your own house party. Dance-offs in the living room and impromptu ice cream evenings are your specialty.
Connection: You make an effort to understand your child’s dreams, hurt feelings, and their latest obsession with the color teal.
Affection: There’s a lot of hugging, snuggling, and emotional support. Your house might not always be tidy, but it’s overflowing with love.
Life requires hard parenting and soft parenting. It’s hard to get a reluctant kid to do her homework by hugging her and asking about her dreams. But most of us underuse soft parenting in hard situations.
My son was anxious about a doctor’s appointment today. When it was time to go, he refused and hid under the table. I felt an urge to become sharp and demand that he get going. Instead, I took a beat. I pretended not to know where he was and made a big deal about trying to find him. When he giggled, I looked under the table, feigned surprise, and then tickled him. I challenged him to a race to put our shoes on, then on our way to the car we brainstormed treats that we would get after appointment. We left the house much faster than if I had been stern. We were definitely happier! Note: at the hospital he wanted chips, I said no, and he had a public tantrum. We are still works in progress.
I’m not saying hard parenting is bad - it has its place. But we often lean into that when we have a need that isn’t being met. Here are some examples:
Hard Parenting Approach
“Don’t you dare use that tone with me”
“You need to be dressed in two minutes, or else!”
Threatening a child who is having a meltdown
Parent Need
Respect
Getting somewhere on time
Public approval
When we see things from our kid’s perspective, we choose a soft path. We see a rude tone as an expression of frustration, we recognize the slowness in getting ready as a desire to prolong the glow of connection in pajamas in the morning.
As my friend’s daughter wisely pointed out - soft parenting is what our kids are craving from us. Let’s make sure to provide it in ample amounts.
How can you show your soft side today?
we’re obsessed with
The Olympics. I LOVE the summer olympics and can’t wait for the games to start. I’m getting ready by watching Sprint on Netflix. It’s a fun, easily digestible show about the world’s sprinters preparing for Paris.
where we’ve been
Thanks to those who came to our Pride Party last month. We had a chill fun time celebrating all things parenting, but with gay. I love hanging out with Jaimie Kelton of The Queer Family Podcast. If you don’t listen you should start!
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Ed Center, the founder of The Village Well, is a parenting coach and educator certified in the Triple P method. The Village Well is a community of parents in BIPOC families, focused on attaining more joy, calm, and meaning in family life. We coach parents to prioritize their own healing and wellness, deepen connections with their kids, and learn tools to support better behavior. Services include Parenting workshops, Parenting courses, and community events. Our support is culturally-grounded support and honors your unique family. Ready to stop yelling? Schedule a free consultation with one of our team members.
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