Howling in the dark
the heart of the matter
Two weeks ago, my seven year old had a significant surgery to correct an issue with his femur and hip socket. The surgery was successful. He’s going to be fine, but the recovery is going to take awhile. Despite being prepared for his post-surgery care, I wasn’t ready for the excruciating reality of watching him suffer.
As the anesthesia wore off and he gradually weaned off an epidural and then opioids, it became clear that straightforward didn’t mean easy. We spent two nights in the hospital. When he cried, screamed, or complained, I was quick with the nurse’s red button. The staff was calm and thoughtful in administering his medication. I wanted them to drug him up so he didn’t have to feel anything. It was unbearable witnessing my baby suffering.
Things felt worse when we got back home. We followed the medication instructions exactly, but we had no experience with this. I slept next to him the first night. He woke up three times with a piercing scream. I would administer his medication, and then hold him as he cried, waiting for the dose to take effect. I tried to soothe him with my voice and touch.
Our neighbor's dog, a usually quiet, playful, creature, began to howl in response to my son's cries. The sound of that eerie sympathy pierced through my despair. The howl echoed the helplessness I felt. This animal was unable to palliate the pain but still voiced a kind of solidarity. I was reminded - even the most empathetic gestures often fall short of providing relief.
In the eventual quiet, I started to make meaning. As a parent, I feel this pressure to fix everything, to kiss the owie and make it better. But in most cases, I can’t. I can’t make the medication work faster or erase his suffering. But I can be there. I can hold him, comfort him, and endure the hard moments alongside him. It isn’t’t about solving the problem but about being present and acknowledging the awful.
In the face of suffering, the most significant act of love is to stand in solidarity with those who are hurting. It’s to take a deep breath and then send out a painful howl into the dark.
I’ll forget this lesson soon. I’ll work to protect my kids from pain, try to fix the situation, find the solution. I’ll go back to nagging, teaching, organizing, disparaging - playing an active role that casts myself as the protagonist in my kid’s growth. But in truth, I’m a sidekick in this hero’s journey. I’m Yoda. I’m Samwise Gamgee. I hope that in the hard and challenging moments of my children’s lives, I’ll remember that being there, in the rawest and most unvarnished sense, is often more powerful than any attempt to fix things. I’ll pause, take a breath, and howl.
we’re obsessed with
the olympics and mental health
I’m witnessing a notable shift in the Olympics this year, as top notch athletes openly discuss the fragility of their mental health, and their efforts to maintain not just peak performance, but overall wellness.
What did Simone Biles do right before winning the individual all-around gold medal in gymnastics? She met with her therapist on Zoom.
Staying on my weekly therapy sessions and even whenever I was here, I was scheduling appointments with my therapist that could work, whether it was early in the morning for me or early in the morning for her. Staying on top of that meant the world to me, but also it helped me with my performances… I think it's OK to not be OK. And I think I showed a very vulnerable side that most people don't see, because most of the time, whenever I'm out there, they're seeing me win gold medals and all this stuff that's not relatable. So, whenever I really break it down and I am very authentic to them, then they can feel like they can relate, and it's on a personal level, and then they believe that they can get the help that they deserve.
- Simone Biles
Noah Lyles is the fastest man in the world. Here’s what he tweeted (do we say X’ed now?) after he won the 100 meter dash.
Props to this young generation for being transparent about mental health struggles and prioritizing our overall wellness!
tomato and mayonnaise sandwiches
Tomato season is finally here! I can’t get enough this time of year. Early girls and cherry tomatoes are peaking at farmer’s markets and heirlooms and beefsteaks are making their debut. In the beginning of the season, there’s only one way to enjoy this luscious vegetable-fruit - in a tomato and mayonnaise sandwich. Use white bread - we want the full experience here. Add mayo like you are applying italian stucco. Layer thick slices of tomato, a sprinkle of salt, cover the sandwich and enjoy. TRUST me, this is heaven. The ingredients elevate to a greater whole the way a bagel, cream cheese and lox transcend those three building blocks.
estrangement (forum)
In my parent coaching, some clients will discuss their challenging relationships with their own parents, and sometimes consider cutting them out of their lives. I’m not a therapist, so I tread this issue with care and referrals. I do know that a lot of thought must go into this decision because the ramifications are so intense for so many people. This episode of KQED’s Forum explored the issue with complexity and grace.
where we’ve been
Thanks to the Nihonmachi Little Friends preschool for inviting me to present Small Bodies, Big Feelings! on July 24. Over 20 parents (and several four year olds!) joined me to explore our kids’ big emotions and how parents can validate that all feelings are valid, but some behaviors are not appropriate.
I just wrapped up a high energy presentation on Supporting Spirited Kids (including ADHD) to youth development professionals at a Back to School conference put on by the San Francisco Department of Children Youth and Families. It was a joy to be in-person learning about the challenges and joys these staff are bringing to their programs.
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Ed Center, the founder of The Village Well, is a parenting coach and educator certified in the Triple P method. The Village Well is a community of parents in BIPOC families, focused on attaining more joy, calm, and meaning in family life. We coach parents to prioritize their own healing and wellness, deepen connections with their kids, and learn tools to support better behavior. Services include Parenting workshops, Parenting courses, and community events. Our support is culturally-grounded support and honors your unique family. Ready to stop yelling? Schedule a free consultation with one of our team members.
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